INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 4
5 PARENTING HURDLES YOU NEED TO OVERCOME PART 2
INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 4 TRANSCRIPT:
5 PARENTING HURDLES YOU NEED TO OVERCOME – PART 2
Welcome to this episode where we will be looking at constructive ways to help you tackle the 5 biggest hurdles that currently stand in the way between you now and you becoming the best parent you can be. This is part two of the episode.
Now let’s move onto discussing HURDLE 3:
LOSING SIGHT OF THE BIG PICTURE
So just as it is important to work on developing our own parenting style, possibly quite different from our parents it is also vital that we never lose sight of the big picture.
This is a hurdle many parents stumble on a day to day basis, especially when we are feeling stressed and tired.
We start the day with the best of intentions with our kids, but after a long day at work, or surviving on next to no sleep or when our kids are being particularly annoying (as some kids are prone to being) we sometimes react in ways that are not in alignment with our big picture goals.
Once again this means looking at the important questions – like what IS your ultimate goal as a parent?
Questions to ask include:
- What sort of relationship do you have with your kids long-term?
- What is your most important role as a parent?
- Is your goal to look for the things your kids do right or the things they do wrong?
- Do you constantly bark orders or ask your kids questions with view to learning more about them?
- Are your interactions founded on love and kindness or criticism and hostility?
- Do you praise them often or always blame them for things?
- Why is it okay to speak to your kids in ways that you would never speak to other people?
- Are you too busy to do the things with your kids that they want to do?
Here’s the thing: there’s always a big picture at hand – our long term goal when it comes to parenting – which is usually to raise healthy, independent, compassionate and well-adjusted kids.
But oftentimes we lose sight of that big picture when we take our eyes off it.
You need to know it is easier to raise strong children than to repair broken men.
And why break something during their most formative years that you will be forced to try to fix it later?
Why not build strong children who feel loved right from the start?
In the end what do you want your kids to remember about you?
The trick here is working out how to keep an eye on the big picture even during times of stress.
Some suggestions include:
- Incorporate some self-care into your everyday life. Get the sleep you need. Take that bath. Eat well and exercise. You need to make self-care a priority in life. You can’t give anything to others from an empty vessel.
- Set a daily reminder on your phone with a simple message. It can even be the words NEVER FORGET THE BIG PICTURE. Whatever works for you! My message pops up for me at 8am and 8pm every day.
- Learn to sometimes say no to others and yes more to your kids. In the end aren’t they the ones who matter the most?
- Whether we like it or not, parenting is a 365-day, 24-hour role we all signed up for the moment we had kids.
- Even when we are away from them, we influence their spirit by the amount of love and acceptance we share with them while together. So stop making excuses, acting like your behavior doesn’t matter and getting distracted from your ultimate role as a parent.
- Even when you are tired and stressed, it is okay to give yourself lots of grace but you will always still be someone’s mom.
- No matter how crazy your day is I recommend spending at least 15 minutes intentional one-on-one time with each child. Schedule it if you need to but don’t leave it out.
- Can you make 15 minutes for your child? This is time that you can spend connecting with your child, asking about their day, helping create loving memories that show you really do care about them because actions speak louder than words. You show you care for them by physically being there for them when they need you.
- Finally shower them with unconditional love rather than love with condition. Do you know what that feels like? To be loved in spite of your faults, to be loved even when you are imperfect because every individual in this world is perfectly imperfect. Give them that priceless gift today.
Now that you have some ideas on what you can do to keep your eyes firmly on the big picture and permission (that you didn’t even need) to go ahead and develop your own unique parenting style that works best for you and your kids.
Now let’s talk about HURDLE #4:
BEING A HYPOCRITE AND NOT PRACTICING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Ah being a hypocrite – it is definitely not a word any of us would consider to be a compliment. But too often we don’t always practice what we preach.
We need to remember that from a very young age, children learn to imitate others.
In fact this is how they learn to behave, care for themselves, develop new skills, and communicate with others.
From their earliest moments your kids watch you (and the significant others in the life) closely – like a little curious hawk looking for guidance – and they ultimately pattern their own behavior and beliefs after what they see.
Whether you like it or not, your examples become permanent images, which ultimately shape their attitudes and actions for the rest of their life.
SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TEACHING THEM?
If children are great imitators, you need to give them SOMETHING GREAT to imitate.
This is parenting in a nutshell:
You need to be the sort of person you want your children to be. More importantly, parent like someone is watching because someone always is
HOW DO YOU WANT THEM TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS?
Your kids watch you for a living. It’s their job; it’s what they do. That’s why it’s so important to try your best to be a good role model. James Lehman
You need to remember your kids are watching your every move.
If you want to teach them about respect then you need to behave respectfully to others.
If you want your kids to grow and become responsible, honest and loving human beings, then you need to be responsible, honest and loving with your child.
There is little point trying to teach a lesson about respect or loyalty or hard work to your kids if you are rude, lazy or disrespectful to others yourself.
There is little point in saying one thing – “eat healthy!”, “be kind!” or “exercise regularly! – if you turn around two seconds later and do something completely different yourself.
Um…in case you’re wondering this behavior falls under the definition of a hypocrite and hypocrites tend not to be the best teachers.
SO ARE YOU IN FACT A HYPOCRITE OR INCONSISTENT IN YOUR TEACHINGS?
If so, I probably don’t need to state the fact this that is one way to seriously confuse your children.
All they learn here is that’s okay to say one thing and do something completely different a minute later.
Being inconsistent in your parenting – failing to practice what you preach – teaches your kids that they don’t always have to stick to their word, and that it’s acceptable to make plans and promises and completely ditch them the next day.
If the significant people in their life do it, why can’t they too?
The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are. Jim Henson
MODEL SELF CARE
When I speak of practicing what you preach, it’s also important to look at how you treat yourself.
Often we are so focused on what’s best for our children and family that we forget to take care of our own needs.
You may think this “selfless” behavior is great but in reality it is just as important to take good care of yourself.
Your family most likely counts on you physically and emotionally in life, so it’s imperative that you teach your child by example that taking care of yourself is a good thing!
Making your health a priority enables you to take care of your children and the rest of your family too.
Self-care is so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel – Eleanor Brown
Self-care teaches your child that you are not only their parent, but your own person with your interests and needs.
It also gives them a chance to show you how well they can do without your attention for a while. This fosters independence, new life skills and a healthy sense of self-esteem in a child.
Don’t forget it’s important for a child to learn through experience that they are loved even when their parents aren’t by their side 100% of the time.
MODEL HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
I seriously love the following piece of advice:
Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
Now think about how this applies to you being a good role model for your children.
Are you modelling healthy relationships at home?
Are you honest, respectful and kind with your partner?
What expectations may your child have about relationships in the future as a result of the ones they are witnessing?
Practicing what you preach also holds true for the relationships you have with your spouse, parents, and other family members and friends that are a part of your child’s life.
It’s important to nurture your relationship with your spouse if you are in a relationship or if you are single, to nurture the relationship you have with yourself.
Let your child see you communicating with others in a positive and healthy manner, and showing love and affection so he or she can learn from an early age what a healthy marriage and relationships look like.
YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR KIDS
Before we end I should note that you seriously don’t have to be Superwoman to be a good parent.
Don’t even bother trying because it’s an impossible goal. Instead my goal is simply for you to be more conscious of your words and actions because one day you may see your child patterning many of his or her behaviors after your own.
Great when you are behaving well – bad when they are adopting all your worst habits! This is not a time to be ignorant – I have given you fair warning about this!
It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. Eleanor Roosevelt
Perhaps try practicing what you preach before you try to teach it to someone else.
Take your own advice every once in a while!
There’s nothing pleasant about becoming someone who is blind to their own mistakes but eager to point out everyone else’s errors and flaws.
Practicing what you preach doesn’t mean you can’t mess up once in a while (or every day).
Chances are you will.
But that’s okay.
Own up to mistakes when you make them, and communicate open and honestly with your children.
Let them know you are always, always trying to do your best.
This will help your child build a strong sense of security and self-esteem.
And that’s the ultimate goal right?
Finally remember this:
Your beliefs don’t make you a better person. Your behavior does.
Practicing what you preach is such a simple way to make you a more authentic person.
BE A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL INSTEAD
-Show compassion and understanding
-Stay positive and in control of your emotions
-Ask for help when you need it
-Think before you speak
-Don’t blame others – take responsibility for your actions
AVOID:
-Anger
-Hatred
-Intolerance
-Racism
-Greed
-Non-constructive Criticism
-Pettiness
-Bullying
EMBRACE
-Compassion
-Love
-Charity
-Respectful behavior
-A thirst for knowledge
-A passion for life
When you model the exact behavior you wish to see in your kids, not through just words but ACTIONS then you make it easier to guide your kids in the right direction.
Now let’s take a look at hurdle 5 which is all about:
HURDLE 5: LETTING GO OF OTHER’S PEOPLE JUDGEMENTS
Ask yourself now: do other people’s judgements occasionally get in the way of your parenting?
I know, I know, it’s normal to worry a little about what other people will think about our kids – we hope that our kids present themselves in a manner that is kind and respectful to others in the world and when they don’t, we sometimes fear that this reflects badly on this.
One of the most important things we can do as parents as learn to separate our expectations from that of others.
When you get stressed about how your child has gotten dressed for the day is it because it really bothers you or you are worried about what other people will think?
When your child is loud, do you embrace their vivaciousness or do you fear the judgement of others who may interpret this behavior as conceited and out of control?
When they act out inappropriately does it make a difference when you alone are there to see it versus when you have an audience of critical eyes?
The thing is when we worry about other people’s judgements it only adds stress to our experience as parents.
It is so vital that we let go of the need for other’s people’s approval – which we may not even realize we secretly care about when we fear the judgement of others.
And this really is the icing of the cake when it comes to mastering the other parenting hurdles.
Once you accept and remember that:
- Your child is not a mini-you
- You have the freedom to parent in whichever way you wish
- You know the importance of keeping the big picture in mind
- You practice what you preach
It is easier to let go of other people’s opinions because you realize other people are not importance in the grand scheme of things.
I really recommend ignoring the haters and critics who think they know what is best for your child.
HERE’S WHAT TO DO WHEN OTHER PEOPLE JUDGE YOUR CHILD:
- Don’t take it personally – it’s not about you but them. Make a parenting choice that feels right for you and your child. Let them worry about their own kids. do! Take a deep breath and move on.
- Accept the criticism without being offended. Is there something you can learn from it – great if yes, ignore it if no. Criticism is often information that will help you grow. If you’re not open to constructive criticism then you’re not open to truly growing as a person.
DON’T CRITICIZE OTHER PEOPLE’S PARENTING SKILLS EITHER!
- Nobody is perfect and nobody has it easy. Everyone has issues. You never know what people are going through. So pause before you start judging, mocking or criticizing others.
- Everyone is fighting their own unique war. It’s more valuable to look for strength in others – you gain nothing from criticizing their imperfections. Don’t criticise what you don’t understand.
- Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. Other people’s opinions of you and your kids don’t matter! When you realise that other people’s opinions have no control over your life you become free.
HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM ABOUT YOUR KIDS
- Ask yourself how someone you admire would handle the criticism you receive. How would they respond?
- Acknowledge your feelings and address your discomfort – it’s totally normal to feel hurt or offended when you or your child are criticised. Embrace it and then LET IT GO. Their opinions don’t honestly matter in the long term.
- Don’t be afraid of criticism – the tallest trees are always confronted by the strongest winds. Matshona Dhliwayo
- Don’t ask for opinions if you can’t take it. If you requested advice about your child, take it as honest feedback.
- Finally, who do you and your family spend more time with – the criticisers or the encouragers/lifters?
- Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your kids. Your life is too important for anything less.
In the end you are truly free when other people’s thoughts, opinions, and words about your parenting are too irrelevant to invade your mind and occupy your time.
You know what is best for your child so trust your intuition and follow your heart.
What is most important in the end is that your child feels loved and accepted, supported and nurtured by YOU.
In the end it’s your belief in them and unconditional love that matters the most – not anyone else’s.
In our quest to become a better parent we really do need to jump over these five hurdles so that we can parent from a better and healthier mindset and place.
I do have a course called BE A BETTER PARENT IN 30 DAYS specifically created to help parents who require more help with intentional parenting but the truth is you can make improvements at any time in your relationship by taking action.
It is all about putting things into practice as opposed to just learning something in theory and forgetting about it the next day.
Because we all have done that at some point in our life, right?
Learned something we thought was really cool and potentially life-changing and then promptly failed to actually put it into practice.
But I promise – contrary to popular opinion you actually don’t to spend hours of INTENTIONAL TIME every day to make a difference in your child’s life.
Even spending short intentional periods of time focused on simply listening to your child, hearing what he or she has to say, saying I LOVE YOU EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE and understanding how to jump over these 5 parenting hurdles that we discussed in today’s episode will be an investment in your kid’s life – which in turn will make a difference in your life, your family’s life, and everyone who eventually crosses their path
So take this all in and I can’t wait to catch you in the next episode!
Before You Go…
- Grab your free gift: How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself Guide (4 steps to finally get out of your own way) CLICK HERE
- Decide which course will suit you best CLICK HERE
- Listen to my Inspiring Mom Life podcast on Spotify or via Apple Podcasts.
With a degree in psychology, Frances Vidakovic is a certified life coach, course creator and host of the Inspiring Life Podcast. Her superpower is transforming dreamers into doers with simple, kick-up-the-butt strategies.
