INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 12
WHEN BAD PARENTS = GREAT KIDS
INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 12
TRANSCRIPT WHEN BAD PARENTS = GREAT KIDS
Welcome to this episode which is all about my childhood and questioning what actually makes a good parent.
So I have actually written a book called WHEN BAD PARENTS = GREAT KIDS – The Perfect Guide For Imperfect Guide and this book was sparked one day when I realised that my own parent’s parenting style was less than perfect.
HERE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WERE NORMAL IN OUR HOUSEHOLD:
My parents both worked hard and usually left us kids (three girls) to our own devices during the school holidays.
The days were LONG but they assumed we would know how to take care of ourselves all day at home.
They didn’t worry about keeping us occupied with endless extracurricular activities.
No writing classes for me, even though I dreamed of being a writer.
No piano classes for my sister, who wanted to learn how to play the piano.
No Little Athletics for my sister who just wanted to run and run around a track.
If we misbehaved when little, it was not unusual to get a smack.
A hard smack on the bottom.
That was our preferred punishment as we feared the alternative – seeing a belt or a swipe of a stick (which my mom made me go and pick from a tree myself!).
When my parents told us to do something, they made it clear they only wanted to tell us ONE TIME.
No asking twice.
The expectation was that we would obey immediately when asked to do something or there would be ramifications.
When they told us to go to bed, we went to bed without complaining.
We knew some things were non-negotiable.
No begging or tantruming.
No pushing boundaries or yelling.
Even at age 14, I still had an 8:30pm bedtime, though I was allowed to read in bed as long as I wanted to
My sisters and I each got ONLY ONE present for our birthday and Christmas and the spending limit was no more than $30.
Some years we had to SHARE a present between us three girls so we would think long and hard about what we should spend our $30 on.
We usually opted to get a board-game which we could enjoy the whole year and that was how we built up our impressive board-game collection.
One year it was Monopoly, another year Operation, then Scrabble and Cluedo and so on.
My parents really didn’t care if my sisters and I were bored.
We were expected to suck it up.
They wanted us to play outside, read books, and use our brains and imaginations yet that expectation was unspoken rather than forced down our throats.
They didn’t actually tell us what to do.
If we wanted to watch hours of TV, we could (not that we did – this was really possible to do pre-Foxtel, Netflix, YouTube, VCR days unless you wanted to sit through another torturous classic film.)
If we wanted to ignore our homework, my parents wouldn’t have even noticed or cared.
Hell, they didn’t even KNOW what homework we had on a daily basis or when any of our assessments were due.
OTHER SUCKY THINGS:
WE WERE TOLD “YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON’T GET UPSET.”
Back then children were seen but not heard.
We didn’t hold any sway in the important family decisions.
We didn’t ever get our own way.
My parents didn’t even STRUGGLE WITH MONEY (which would have at least justified their frugal nature). In fact, they had the money to spoil us but opted not to.
They simply believed kids didn’t need to be indulged with countless toys and gadgets.
They didn’t see the point of having ten dolls when one was enough.
They thought kids could go just as well in a public school as in a private school.
They didn’t care what the latest fad or craze was so they never indulged in our every whim.
In fact, as soon as we were teenagers my sisters and I were encouraged to find part-time jobs so we could have our own money to spend.
We paid for our own clothes and entertainment expenses from the moment we got our own jobs and we were encouraged to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE.
THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE THE MOST IDEAL WAY TO GROW UP, RIGHT? SO WERE WE SCARRED BY THIS EXPERIENCE?
My one word answer: NO.
If it comes across as if we had a terrible childhood, I want to make it clear it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Yes it’s true that my parents were super strict and less than perfect but my sisters and I nonetheless grew up with the most amazing friends and family.
On the weekends, our home was always filled with family and friends.
We would go out to dances, host BBQs and all the dads would have regular card game nights while the moms chatted and the kids played.
We knew without a shadow of doubt that all this – laughter, love, a close-knit community, great friends and a sense of security – was worth more than anything we could buy at the shops.
The best things in life are indeed free.
THE IRONY IS:
Even though according to today’s standards my parents would be classified as potentially “bad” or subpar parents, I think they actually produced *great kids*
I’m not saying my sisters and I are PERFECT but…
We all grew up to be respectful, conscientious and compassionate members of society.
We are the type of people who if a pregnant or elderly person needs a seat on the bus or train WE STAND UP AND ACTUALLY OFFER OUR SEAT (what’s the deal with people not doing that?)
We care about others.
We volunteer our time.
We are friendly, polite and always willing to lend a helping hand.
We have a strong work ethic with lots of grit and determination.
We have each formed and nurtured a close-knit community of family and friends that we LOVE.
Me personally?
My childhood taught me the fine art of patience, persistence and of appreciating everything I have.
Still to this day, I don’t take anything for granted and that is a priceless gift in itself.
CONVERSELY I have seen kids who literally seemed to HAVE IT ALL grow up to be total ratbags.
They had more freedom than Madonna would know what to do with.
They got handed the keys to their first car the day they turned sixteen.
They lived in the biggest mansions.
They had the coolest, nicest parents.
They lived the dream life of every popular kid characterised in all the best teen movies – from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” to “Clueless”.
And yet, somewhere along the line SOMETHING WENT WRONG.
Not ALL THE TIME of course.
But there are plenty of these “good” parents, who generously gave their kids the moon and stars and are later left scratching their heads at the brats they spawned.
SO NOW I’M QUESTIONING THIS HYPOTHESIS.
IF: Bad parenting “supposedly” = bad kids
Good parenting “supposedly” = good kids
How come it sometimes goes the other way?
WHAT IF…
WHAT IF YOU AREN’T A “BAD” PARENT SIMPLY BECAUSE:
You want to go back to work rather than be a Stay At Home Parent.
You let your kids watch back-to-back movies when you are sick in bed with the flu.
You make them do their own homework rather than giving them all the answers.
You say no to another playdate when you aren’t in the mood to have your house destroyed again.
You have a cleaner because cleaning is your least favorite chore to do.
You have a nanny because sometimes your own kids drive you crazy and you don’t think you would survive without a break.
You feed your kids chicken nuggets and chips when you aren’t in the mood to cook anything else.
You sometimes sneak into bed at night and whisper to your husband stories about how your kids annoy you.
You occasionally mutter an F.U. under your breath.
You occasionally let the F.U slip and say it loud.
You get excited when your kid’s bedtime arrived purely because it means you will finally get some peace and quiet and time for yourself.
WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU THINK IS TERRIBLE ISN’T REALLY SO TERRIBLE?
What if you can technically still be a good parent, even when society deems some of your parenting behaviors less than desirable?
As you read the following “good” and “bad” parenting examples, please note: neither of these are actually good or bad!
They have simply been labelled as such because that is what society currently deems that behaviour to be.
Ten years ago, something different would have been considered good or bad. In another decade, people will be raving and condemning completely different parenting styles.
So where does this leave you?
Well you are free to do what you wish!
This episode simply examines some of the pitfalls of what is currently held in high esteem by society.
It also highlights how some frowned-upon parenting behaviors may actually not be so bad.
Instead they may potentially contain positive attributes that are often overlooked by other parents.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks though.
You are an adult and you get to decide WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
If something is working for your family KEEP DOING IT.
If something isn’t working for your family REFRAIN FROM DOING IT.
It is that simple.
It’s your job to make a decision based on your own gut feelings and TRUST your own judgement.
You ultimately get to decide what works best for your kids.
And, at the VERY, VERY LEAST remember this advice:
Your goal as a parent is:
To raise children who don’t have to recover from their childhood…
Or maybe it’s to raise children who feel loved, in whatever way you can demonstrate to them this love, whether it is by being stricter and assuming these boundaries can helper them become better members of our society or more lax, because that is the way you want to do it.
In the end it is all up to you.
Now we will be questioning 3 things that are often considered to be bad parenting methods but are they really?
TRUTH BOMB 1
“GOOD” PARENTS:
Give their kids everything they want
“BAD” PARENTS:
Give their kids everything they need
LET’S START WITH THE “GOOD” PARENTS
“Good” parents have the best of intentions when they opt to give their kids everything they WANT.
They sincerely believe they are showing love by giving their kids a life where they never have to go without.
These “good” parents are not necessarily wealthy.
Though some may be comfortable and have the means to indulge their children in this way, others may be struggling to make ends meet.
Maybe they had a childhood where they were deprived of certain luxuries.
Maybe they feel like they suffered as a result of “missing out” and they vow not to repeat the same “mistakes” with their own kids.
They may be falling behind on their mortgage repayments or even be racking up massive credit card charges to keep up with this unrealistic lifestyle.
Either way the result is the same.
These kids of “good” parents, whether they are richer or poorer, are in a privileged position to not know what it’s like to go without.
And let’s be honest, these kids aren’t complaining here.
Indeed it is very, VERY easy to become accustomed to a more lavish lifestyle where everything you want is instantly granted.
The term delayed gratification?
Well that doesn’t exist for these kids.
But they are hopefully happy.
I mean, why wouldn’t they be?
They have everything they want, right?
“BAD” PARENTS ON THE OTHER HAND
“Bad” parents know that there is nothing wrong with giving their kids a bit of a break and sometimes going without the non-essentials.
These kids have what they NEED in terms of love, food, water, shelter, clothing, an education, family and friends etc.
But they aren’t spoiled with the EXTRA stuff that isn’t crucial…like a third pair of sneakers or another toy, when their bedroom is already filled with enough playthings that still haven’t been touched.
In a nutshell, these have everything they need BUT NOT EVERY MATERIAL POSSESSION THAT THEY WANT.
As above, these “bad” parents may or may not have the money to spoil their kids, but either way they opt not to do so.
WHY BEING A “GOOD PARENT” IN THIS EXAMPLE MAY SOMETIMES BACKFIRE
If kids are given everything they WANT, they risk growing an expectation that they can and should HAVE IT ALL NOW without working for it.
Note: what you want isn’t always a need.
Technically speaking, a need is something that is of paramount importance to your survival and sustains your life and livelihood.
A want on the other hand is something you simply desire to have, that you may or may not be able to obtain.
We tend to be more lax with this definition in the modern world and needs now usually include things like: food, rent, utilities, phone, insurance, medicine, toiletries, clothing,
Wants, on the other hand, include new clothes, home décor, gifts, eating out, fast food, books, music, movies and extra supplies for your home and school, when you already have enough in stock.
Kids who are solely fixated on acquiring material possessions may eventually find it is NEVER EVER enough.
Why?
Because they are searching for happiness and fulfilment in all the wrong places.
As humans we always want more and sometimes we allow the things we want to make us forget the things we have.
We risk forgetting to be GRATEFUL for what we already have.
Kids who are given everything they want sometimes also risk having an issue with DELAYED GRATIFICATION.
Delayed gratification is the ability to resist immediate temptation in order to receive a more enduring reward later on.
Why is this so important for success in life?
Because instant gratification is usually short-lived, full of regret and also blinds us from our long-term potential, especially when it comes to savings and goals.
Kids need to be willing however to delay short-term gratification for their long-term goals.
THIS IS A LIFE SKILL WE ALL NEED TO LEARN IN LIFE.
Ultimately, happiness is about what is on the inside, not the outside.
It isn’t found in another toy or gadget or material possession.
In a nutshell: when you are content with what you have right now, you are rich.
If you are not content with what you have right now, you are poor.
It is as simple as that and something every child would benefit from learning.
TRUTH BOMB 2
GOOD PARENTS:
Want to do everything and do it all now
BAD PARENTS:
Realize there is a time and place for everything
LET’S START WITH THE “GOOD” PARENTS
The worst thing that could happen to a “good” parent in this example is that they open up their diary and find that their week is completely empty.
“Good” parents in this respect are obsessed with busy schedules and keeping their kids active.
Their kids don’t just do ONE activity per week.
Oh no, that wouldn’t be enough to help their kids reach their potential.
Their diary might look like this instead:
On Monday it’s dancing, Tuesday it’s piano, Wednesday it’s gymnastics, Thursday it’s swimming and on Friday it’s a little break because Susie is back to dancing tomorrow all day.
Even if their kids are tired or feeling over-scheduled with little time for homework, these “good” parents feel satisfied because in their eyes it is BETTER TO DO SOMETHING than DO NOTHING.
“BAD” PARENTS ON THE OTHER HAND
Shucks, it’s almost embarrassing how lazy “bad” parents look in comparison.
But for some reason they don’t feel lazy at all.
Instead there’s always something to do and if they tried to do it all AND MORE something would snap (probably their sanity).
Consequently they don’t always let their kids do every activity they want to do. Sometimes their kids hear a NOPE.
Nope, we don’t have time.
Nope, we don’t have money for it.
Nope, it would be too hard to get you there.
These parents however don’t get upset or feel guilty if their kids sometimes have to miss out.
They don’t mind if their kids say they are bored because they know boredom isn’t a terrible thing.
Instead this extra free leisure time gives their children time to rest and relax.
These kids of “bad” parents have the freedom to play in the street with their friends.
They are encouraged to go bike-riding and roller-skating.
They are given boxes and blankets to build forts with and there isn’t a panic attack if they make mud-cakes out of dirt.
These “bad” parents also know there is nothing wrong with encouraging their kids to use their own imaginations.
They don’t think it is mean or selfish at all to expect children to sometimes fill in their own free time.
Indeed they encourage their kids to go outside and simply be kids.
They can have some activities but NOT ALL OF THEM.
After all, there’s a time and place for everything.
And an over-scheduled diary and child is a terrible trade-off for a more chaotic life.
WHY BEING A “GOOD” PARENT IN THIS EXAMPLE MAY SOMETIMES BACKFIRE
When you become an adult you learn that sometimes you and your body and mind really do just need a break.
If you have lived a life that is in constant motion, sometimes it’s difficult to get used to this idea of “stillness” and “free time”.
You get uncomfortable when you are doing nothing productive.
You don’t enjoy alone time or your own company because you are used to never being alone.
When kids are overscheduled, some begin to feel as if their worth is validated by doing these extra activities because that is what they have always been applauded for in life.
But guess what?
They are amazing kids with big potential whether they do one activity or five.
They have their whole lives stretched ahead of them to live productive, busy lives but only a short time to BE KIDS.
IT’S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT BEING BORED IS FINE
I feel like I really need to make it clear that it’s okay for your kids to sometimes be bored.
Yes honestly!
What’s so wrong with doing nothing?
Um, nothing at all.
Parents are so quick to save their kids from a little bit of boredom without realizing that being bored is good for their brains!
Whenever my kids say they are bored (something that doesn’t happen too often anymore because they know exactly what my response will be) I always say:
ONLY BORING PEOPLE GET BORED
I mean, come on kids.
Use your imagination.
Daydream.
Go explore.
Be alone with your thoughts for a while.
Your kids DO NOT need to be occupied by something 100% of the time.
It isn’t realistic OR healthy for anyone to expect that every single second of every single day will be filled with activity and/or they will be entertained.
In fact, this need to constantly be doing “something” is like a disease or addiction that our kids need to be weaned off from.
Some alone time to think time is great!
This is when the greatest ideas are born.
Kids need downtime, a chance for their minds to wander and drift away.
They DO NOT need an activity or electronic device thrust into their face at the first sign of a little boredom.
How will they ever learn to cope with downtime if they are not given the opportunity to do so?
Let them work it out themselves for a change.
Encourage your kids to rest, use their imagination and dream big when they are little INSTEAD OF FILLING UP EVERY MINUTE OF THEIR DAY and they will grow up to be big dreamers when they are older.
I promise you, the world won’t fall apart if they need to think for themselves for a change.
You were most likely stronger and more resilient than that as a kid and I have no doubt your kids are too.
TRUTH BOMB 3
GOOD PARENTS:
Think helicopter parenting is a competitive sport
BAD PARENTS:
Prefer to give their kids some breathing room
LET’S START WITH THE “GOOD” PARENTS
It’s safe to say you have heard of the term “helicopter parenting.”
Helicopter parents are named specifically after helicopters, because they hover overhead, overseeing every aspect of their child’s life constantly.
In their heart of hearts, “good” parents feel like this behavior means that they are watching out for their kids.
And they are watching over their kids ALL THE TIME.
I mean it’s pretty hard for your kids to do anything wrong when you are constantly breathing down their necks, right?
These helicopter parents pride themselves on being able to catch problems before they escalate, interjecting before their kids can get hurt, insulted, fail, get frustrated, or do anything that arises in them a negative emotion.
Of course that sounds like a pretty picture right?
After all, these kids are doing no wrong.
These kids are being stopped before they get themselves into trouble.
These kids are being monitored and watched over every single second of the day.
To me, it also sounds a bit like being a prisoner in a jail right?
“BAD” PARENTS ON THE OTHER HAND
In case it isn’t obvious, the truth remains that even though helicopter parents are VERY hands-on, this isn’t a parenting style that breeds or encourages independence in your kids.
In order to understand why the alternative parenting style – giving your kids some breathing room – may be useful, it is important to understand why independence is so vital in life.
Let me start by bringing your attention to these three quotes:
1 – It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings. Ann Landers
2- Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn. Benjamin Franklin
3 – It is the responsibility of every parent to ensure their children are prepared for the adult world and that they throw open the doors at 18 and walk into their lives with confidence and enthusiasm – Vicki Hoefle
“Bad” parents know that kids grow best when they are given the breathing room to try things for themselves every now and then.
“Bad” parents reflect on their own life and realise that the times they learned the most are usually the times they failed and picked themselves up again.
Or maybe it was the times they had the freedom to try things out for themselves.
Or when they had the opportunity to succeed on their own terms without any help or any adult nearby who was quick to take the credit.
WHY BEING A “GOOD” PARENT IN THIS EXAMPLE MAY SOMETIMES BACKFIRE
Here’s the truth – the more risks you allow your children to take, the better they will learn how to take care of themselves.
Do not think you are doing them any favours by making their life too easy.
If helicopter parenting sounds like a compliment, you thought wrong.
This constant attention and stalker-like behaviour stifles a child’s independence and helicopter parents ultimately deprive their children of learning natural consequences for their behavior.
Ask yourself these five questions now to work out if you have a tendency to be a “helicopter parent” yourself.
Do you try to fight your child’s battles for them?
Do you make all the decisions for your child?
Are you obsessed with your child’s schedule?
Are you constantly checking in on your child?
Do you try to make their life as easy as possible?
Obviously it’s normal to be more watchful of your kids when they are younger but as they get older you will need to loosen your grip.
Step back and start to give them some freedom. It’s okay if they fall down or make some mistakes – they will only learn how to bounce back by doing it themselves!
Consider the following 10 tips and see how you can encourage more independence in children.
1 – If your kids are old enough to do it on their own, let them do it on their own.
2 – Don’t worry if it isn’t done perfectly – they are in the process of learning so some mistakes are to be expected.
3 – Stop spoon-feeding your child or telling them what to choose – let them make some of their own decisions.
4 – Stop rescuing them if they don’t need rescuing – at some point they will need to suffer the natural consequences and work out how to save themselves.
5 – Encourage them to solve their own problems.
6 – Give them some more responsibility – this can be with babysitting, household chores, dog walking or even some grocery-shopping if they are teens.
7 – Let them organise their own schedule.
8 – Make sure they are responsible for their own homework and assignments.
9 – Allow them to help with meal planning and cooking.
10 – Encourage them to find ways to entertain
Just for today I want you to find a way that you can foster more independence in your child.
Take note of the list I just mentioned and see which ideas you can implement today, according to their respective ages.
Ready to take the next step?
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Hey, I’m Frances Vidakovic! I help you live a richer, lighter life while pursuing dreamy goals – without sacrificing your soul, sanity or family life. 🫶🏻 Author. Coach. Course Creator. DON’T DIE UNHAPPY! → Wake up. Do what matters. Savour it all 🌷