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dream big my friend podcast by frances vidakovic

 

 

INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST

EPISODE  20

HOW TO NOT WORRY SO MUCH

 

 

dream big my friend podcast

 

 

 

INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST

EPISODE 20 TRANSCRIPT:

HOW NOT TO WORRY SO MUCH 

 

   

WELCOME TO THIS EPISODE WHICH IS ALL ABOUT WORRY AND HOW YOU CAN PROCESS THIS FEELING IN A HEALTHY WAY.

 

In this episode today we are going to be discussing the idea of worrying.

Now this is a timely podcast for me as I just learned that my 13 year old son will be having major spinal surgery within the next 12 months.

And the first thing a few friends shared with me when they heard this news was YOU MUST BE SO WORRIED.

As if that is the most natural feeling to have about such an event.

 

This is because most people worry about the little things; they find things to worry about even when there is nothing to worry about at all – as though being worried is a useful, helpful emotion that helps you feel productive in life.

 

The truth is this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Feeling worried is ALWAYS a choice that we make and it stems from the thoughts that we have about certain events in our life.

 

Now there is little point in telling you not to worry at all ever again because it is a normal human trait to do so.

 

Babies worry about when they will get their next feed.

Kids worry if their toy truck or doll will be broken by the rough kid playing with it.

Adults worry about their work and old people worry about dying.

But I do encourage you to learn how not to worry SO MUCH about stuff.

 

A quote to keep in mind:

 

If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable then there is no help in worry. Dalai Lama

 

I love this quote so much because it tells us there is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.

Can you solve the problem?

Then there is no need to worry about it.

You can’t solve the problem?

Then there is no use worrying about it.

 

People say worrying is much like sitting on a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. 

 

So do what you can to stop worrying so much today.

Sometimes it’s as easy as telling your brain to STOP.

Take a deep breath and understand worrying doesn’t actually take away your troubles.

To the contrary, worrying is a total waste of time and doesn’t change anything at all.

 

Worrying about things you can’t control only takes away your peace and empties you of your precious strength.

Instead of worrying about all the things that can go wrong, think about the things that can go right.

Think about the constructive action you can take today to make things better.

 

It also helps for some people to focus on one day at a time.

 

Don’t worry about things that are one year, five years, ten years or twenty years away.

Just focus on making today the best it can be and you can worry about tomorrow the next day.

 

Once again if you can solve your problem what is the NEED of worrying?

 

If you can’t solve it what is the USE of worrying?

Don’t think too much or you will create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.

If you fill your head with worries there won’t be room for anything else.

One day you will look back and realize you worried too much about things that don’t matter.

 

A MINI QUIZ:

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IN YOUR LIFE?

 

NO Then Why Worry?

YES Can you do something about it?

NO Then Why Worry?

YES Then Why Worry?

 

The day you stop worrying will be your first day of your new life; anxiety takes you in circles, trust in yourself and become free. Leon Brown.

 

I know I know, some of you guys may still not be put at ease by this equation but I want you to know that part of this journey towards becoming the best version of yourself requires having faith in yourself and the universe.

 

It’s about having the trust in yourself that you can cope with anything that comes your way because you are so strong inside even if you don’t realize it right now.

 

I know it doesn’t always feel great to hear that quote “everything happens for a reason” but the truth is some of the most terrible experiences and failures can bring forth the greatest growth in us.

We only complicate things when we worry incessantly about all the things that can go wrong in the world instead of stopping to focus on what can go right.

It sends out a negative energy filled with panic and fear and signals a lack of faith and trust in the world and your abilities to not only cope and surmount these hurdles.

 

Here are some more questions to think about when you are stuck in a cycle of worry:

 

  • WILL IT REALLY MATTER IN 200 YEARS TIME?

 

  • WILL THIS PROBLEM STILL EXIST IN 10 YEARS TIME?

 

  • WILL WORRYING HELP ME SOLVE MY PROBLEMS?

 

  • WHAT WOULD IT FEEL LIKE IF I JUST STOPPED FOR A SECOND AND HAD FAITH THAT EVERYTHING WOULD TURN OUT ALL RIGHT IN THE END?

 

  • IS THIS WORRYING CONTROLLABLE OR SOLVABLE?

 

  • ARE MY FEARS BASED IN REALITY?

 

  • WHAT’S THE BEST – WORST AND – MOST REALISTIC SCENARIO THAT IS LIKELY TO PLAY OUT?

 

  • WHAT IS THE ACTUAL CHANCE (% WISE) THAT THE WORST CASE SCENARIO WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

 

  • HOW CAN I COPE WELL IF THIS WORST CASE SCENARIO OCCURS?
  • WHAT IS REAL RIGHT NOW?

 

  • WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PREPARED?

 

  • WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MYSELF STOP WORRYING?

 

  • CAN I STOP FOR A MOMENT THAT EVERYTHING MIGHT TURN OUT OKAY?

 

Worry comes from the thoughts that we have about an event which is why some people can feel extreme worry and others less worry about the same event.

 

We all have different brains that process events and circumstances in different ways and it doesn’t mean that either person is right or wrong.

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that worry is a feeling that is wrong and needs to be squashed out altogether.

It is a totally normal emotion and natural to feel some worry about possible life changes in your life in the beginning.

 

So allow yourself to really feel this feeling instead of pretending it doesn’t exist or beating yourself over the fact that you can’t get to a place of peace about it just yet.

 

But after that initial processing of worry has taken place I want you to become aware of the thoughts behind this feeling of worry.

 

What are the exact thoughts you are having that lead to this emotion?

 

Do these thoughts ultimately serve you?

Are they useful?

Do they encourage you to take action that is productive or do they keep you feeling stuck?

Could you possibly choose another thought?

 

Some people have this impression that worry is a necessary emotion that we can’t avoid without understanding that this feelings comes from your thoughts and your thoughts are a choice.

 

Yes you can’t control some of the events that take place in this world but how you choose to view them, how you choose to process them and what you make them mean is always in your control.

 

Worry is just one option you have but you also have other options available to you too.

 

Let me use an event from my own life as an example:

 

AN OLD EVENT from my life was my son is having a double foot reconstruction surgery.

Now back then I could choose to think a variety of thoughts about this event.

I could choose to think: HOW SCARY!

HOW PAINFUL!

Imagine all the things that could go wrong.

This would lead to me feeling stress and fear and uncontrollable worry.

Worrying unnecessarily still doesn’t change the outcome for you but it erodes your potential for peace and happiness.

 

Instead I chose to think:

 

How blessed we are to live in a country where we have access to the most amazing doctors and this led to feelings of gratitude and appreciation.

 

Here’s how to tell if a thought is useful to you:

 

  • Observe the way it makes you feel.

 

  • Does it make you feel good?

 

  • Does it make you feel a sense of peace?

 

  • Do you realize you have the power to change this thought?

 

  • What would be a thought that would maybe not make everything necessarily better but it would grant you some peace?

 

  • Do you understand that your thought is just a thought and NOT a fact? That you could possibly be wrong about this thought and that another thought might serve you better?

 

Remember some events and facts are outside our control.

You worrying about them doesn’t actually change anything, it just makes you feel worse.

 

Some possible more useful thoughts include:

 

  • Things are happening the exact way they are supposed to be happening.

 

  • Maybe what is happening is the best for me.

 

  • Everything is okay right now in the here and now.

 

  • If you could pick any thought you wanted to, what would you pick? What do you want to believe? You can really pick any thought to have so why not pick the best thought for you? One that actually makes you FEEL GOOD?

 

  • If you want to play the WHAT IF game, it’s only fair to consider all possibilities, the good and the bad. So why not imagine the best scenario taking place?

 

 

What is the upside to worrying?

 

What is the positive thing that comes out of you spending so much time and energy focused on the negative possible outcomes rather than the possible positive outcomes?

I want you to get curious about the thoughts and feelings you have when thinking about this event.

You need to remember that your brain can’t solve problem that don’t yet exist.

 

Imagine your problem as a puzzle that needs to be solved.

 

You can’t solve any problem until you have all the puzzle pieces at hand and in the future some of the puzzle pieces are still missing which is why you will often feel like you are constantly spinning when you are focused on a problem in the future.

You can solve for what is present right now, in the here and now.

 

It isn’t particularly realistic to imagine that we will never feel fear or worry in our life.

 

These are natural emotion to have.

Instead we can invite ourselves to allow fear and worry to enter and then take a peek at these emotions when they arrive and get really curious at the thoughts that are causing this emotion to be born.

Remember you can always change the thought that is causing it, if we choose to do so.

 

Another suggestion is to come to peace with the worst case scenario.

 

When you are worried about an event what are you thinking is the worst thing that could possibly occur?

Explore that scenario and ask yourself if you could cope with it.

The truth is you could probably handle anything that comes your way as humans are more resilient and stronger than we realize.

Yes it wouldn’t be pleasant, yes it would be ideal but you would in fact handle anything that comes your way as humans have already suffered the very worst scenarios, of losing loved ones, of losing things of value, and still come through the other end feeling strong.

 

The worst thing that can happen is the experience of a negative emotion such as grief or sadness or shock and we have the tools to process those emotions when they come.

 

There is nothing you can’t handle and when you know that, when you know that you can survive anything that comes your way.

When you have looked the worst case scenario and fear in the face and said the words “I CAN HANDLE YOU IF YOU COME, some of that fear dissipates because you don’t allow it to control the way you feel right now.

 

You understand that you can deal with anything and everything that take place, so you can allow yourself to relax and not worry about those situations taking place until they actually do.

 

Worry is a deceptive emotion because it appears to be useful.

It makes us think we can control the final outcome, as if worrying enough will make that situation not take place.

But that is a lie.

You exert so much time and mental energy trying to solve a problem that doesn’t even yet exist.

 

Your thinking about doesn’t actually control the situation but it starts to look for evidence in the outside world of how your negative thoughts could be true.

 

So if you are worried about someone possibly dying, you start to find evidence of stories that support your worry?

You look for information that makes your brain feel right, that makes you think “see, that’s exactly why I should be worried!”

 

But you forget that your brain would search for that same information if you chose to focus on a positive scenario?

 

If you chose to focus on someone healing and recovering from a possible illness, you too could find stories and evidence of this being true?

Both thoughts possibilities are true and you need to decide where you want to put your energy.

 

Remember worrying doesn’t prevent future problems from happening; it can’t solve future problems in the current moment.

 

The ideal scenario or worst case could both come into play later on and now you choose to deal with it later will all be up to you.

But the only thing you have control over right now is this present moment and the thoughts you choose to have right now.

So come back to the present and take a deep breath.

In this moment, right now, everything is okay and you can handle anything that comes your way.

 

If you are still experiencing worry, get curious about that emotion.

 

Take a look at it and hold it in your hand.

How does it look to you?

How does it feel?

Where do you experience it in your body?

How would you describe it to someone else?

 

Now get clear on what is the truth is in this moment?

 

Is your family safe right now?

Is there anything you need to be worried about in the very moment, right now, right this minute, right this second?

If the feeling of worry pops up for you don’t try to shoo it away.

 

Don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist.

 

Say hello to it.

Try to understand it.

Why it did want to show up for you?

What thoughts led to it being born?

 

Is there any upside to feeling worried? More often than not you will discover there isn’t but it tricks you into thinking that this is the way you are supposed to feel because so many humans are conditioned to think worry is a necessary emotion when it really isn’t.

 

It tricks you into thinking that the more you stress and worry, the less chance there is of something terrible happening when that couldn’t be further from the case.

Your worry doesn’t solve the problem – thinking an alternative thought about the situation is what helps take you to a better place.

So you can try thinking alternative thoughts about the situation.

For me in the case of my son’s upcoming surgery I choose to think of it as a gift and a blessing, as something we were so grateful to have the opportunity to have.

It doesn’t necessarily take away all the niggling thoughts that sometimes choose to pop up like what if something goes wrong, but those positive thoughts are more powerful and more empowering.

They talk sense into the unnecessary and negative thoughts and quiet them down so that they are in the forefront of my brain.

 

Those negative thoughts do not consume my time and energy and guess what – it’s time, focus and energy that allow those thoughts to grow.

 

But I recognize they aren’t useful thoughts to me.

They don’t make me feel better about necessary; they just make me feel worse.

There is no upside to thinking those thoughts – they aren’t even necessarily be true or right.

They could in fact be wrong.

I find it personally more useful to focus on the best case scenario and trying to imagine everything going totally right.

This is a choice that is always available to me.

I don’t try to resist the negative thoughts but I do try to understand them and reframe them to something more positive.

This requires some brain retraining.

 

Sometimes it’s about coaxing the negative thoughts to understand the alternative.

 

Like of course I understand why you would think that but an alternative is also true.

This event could be the best learning experience for us.

This event could be exactly what we need to move forward in life.

 

And even if the worst case scenario ends up transpires, we would not only survive but grow stronger because we can cope with anything that life throws us.

 

I can accept the worst, make peace with it yet always hope for the best case scenario.

Yet I won’t know which it will be until it happens so until then I will hope for the best and a different situation occurs I will do what I need to do to cope or solve for that problem then and not beforehand because it is impossible to solve an imagined problem that doesn’t yet exist.

 

There is also irrational worry and rational worry so we need to make sure that we are focused on real potential scenarios rather than ones we just make up in our own head and are very unlikely to never happen.

 

Worry doesn’t change the outcome but it does have an impact on how I feel right now, in the present moment.

It all comes down to getting super clear on the thoughts that are generating your feelings of worry.

 

Your feelings of worry ALWAYS stem from your thoughts.

 

And you need to ask yourself are those thoughts useful?

Is there any benefit to thinking or believing it?

If not, consciously choose to put it down.

You don’t need to fondle it and play with it every single second of the day.

 

Put it down and pick up another thought instead.

 

Right now in the present moment everything is okay so embrace the peace you have right now.

And if you ever encounter a moment that isn’t so peaceful take a deep breath and tap into your inner resource of strength.

 

We don’t need to always fast forward to future moments and ask ourselves WELL WHAT IF followed by the worst possible scenario.

 

If you ever feel tempted to do this I challenge you to think WHAT IF followed by the best case scenario.

What if everything will be fine?

 

What if everything is happening exactly as it should be happening?

 

What if I can let go of that worry and just feel at peace, each moment of the day.

These thoughts are choices and they are available to you at any moment in the day.

So I hope you have found this outlook on worry to be useful. I myself have reframed many situations that others say they would struggle to cope with and chosen to look at them as positive events and learning experiences.

 

Every moment I have on this world, whether it is deemed by others to be good or bad, is always a gift to me.

 

So take this information all in and I will catch you in the next episode.

As always I appreciate having you guys with me so much.

Until next time, dream big my friend!

 

 

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