INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 35 – JUDGING OTHERS FOR JUDGING
INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 35 TRANSCRIPT:
JUDGING OTHERS FOR JUDGING
WELCOME TO THIS EPISODE WHICH IS ALL ABOUT JUDGING OTHERS FOR JUDGING
Welcome to this episode which is another mini pep talk episode and this time we are chatting about judging others for judging.
So this is a perfect episode for me to record because this is something I have struggled with myself and so I thought I would share with you how I have worked through this process.
So let’s talk about judgements for a moment.
This is something that humans just do sometimes without even realising we are doing it.
Every single human in this world does it and it is totally normal.
Judging is defined when we form an opinion or conclusion about a person or situation or thing based on our own observations.
We tend to think that judging means something negative but that isn’t true.
You can also have a positive judgement about a person too – like “oh she’s super nice or super smart or attractive or funny etc.”
This judgement is simply your opinion or your conclusion about that person based on whatever interactions you have had with them.
But what I wanted to chat about in this episode is the deeper level stuff – when we get frustrated at people who judge others, for example people who we deem to be racist or sexist and yet we judge them for having those particular judgy beliefs.
In those situations we think we are right and they are wrong – just like they think they are right and we are wrong.
And because they don’t think the same thoughts as us or act the way we want them to, we get frustrated and annoyed and angry and start judging them for having their different opinions.
I hope this makes sense to you.
If it doesn’t let me share with you some examples:
Maybe you have a friend who holds a particular political opinion or a belief about a race and the irony is that YOU become a judgy person about their beliefs because they aren’t the same as yours.
Or maybe you have a friend who stays with an abusive partner and you judge him or her for thinking it’s okay to stay.
Or you know a lady who doesn’t want to work and likes to live off money from the government and you judge her for making these choices and having a belief that this is an acceptable way to live.
Or maybe you have a friend or family member that you think judges you for saying or doing things in a particular way and then you JUDGE THEM for judging you.
Can you see that when we judge others for not thinking the same as us or having the same values we get stuck in this spinning cycle of judgement that disconnects us from others rather than connecting us with people who are different?
So in this episode I am hoping to show you a way to learn to love and accept others for who they are, even if they think differently from you and behave differently from you…
So the best place to start is by understanding that humans all have free will.
If you haven’t listened to the Life Manual episode yet I encourage you to go back and have a listen because it will go deeper into explaining how all humans have come to have the thoughts and beliefs they have as a result of their own personal experiences and this is just as true for others as it is for you.
Now I want to give you some ideas and questions to consider:
Are you willing to accept and love others even if they aren’t a carbon copy of you?
Are you willing to consider the fact that other people may have experienced things in life that led them to be the person they are today – maybe a person with values and beliefs you don’t agree with but they are values and beliefs that seem true and feel real to them?
There is honestly a story behind every word a person says, there is a reason why they are the way they are and when you walk in on chapter 31 of their life, you need to remember that you have missed seeing what happened in chapters 1 to 30.
You haven’t read their full story or if you think you have, in the case of that person being a close family member, there is a good chance they wrote that story of theirs with a different perspective and different lens than you would have had you been in their shoes.
But you weren’t in their shoes and they haven’t been in yours, you don’t have their brain and they don’t have yours and that is why you now have different ideas about life and that’s okay.
It’s okay if people think differently from you.
It’s okay if people behave differently from you.
Once we embrace this idea that we can agree to disagree we can start to ditch some of the negative judgements we have about people and start to see them with more compassion and understanding.
Even if they continue to judge you, that’s okay too.
That’s their prerogative.
Let them judge you all their like.
Your job isn’t to convince them that your way is right and their way is wrong – it’s to come to the understanding that their way is right for them and it’s okay.
I love this quote by Doe Zantamata who said: it is easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand.
Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods.
Through judging, we separate.
Through understanding, we grow.
And the only thing I want to add to that quote is that this idea that someone else has chosen a poor method, a poor way of doing things is simply our thought about it.
There could be a thousand other people that think that this so-called poor method is fantastic and the best way to do things.
They get to decide how they want to live their life while you get to decide how you want to live yours.
So as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I did note myself that I sometimes frowned upon others who I thought held racist beliefs, or treated people in ways I thought were disrespectful.
And it has taken me some time to understand that these feelings of disappointment I had stemmed from the thought I had that my way was right.
But then I heard this quote by William Paul Young who said: judging requires that you think yourself superior to the one you judge.
And this was a little bit of an eye-opener for me as I don’t really think anyone in this world is superior to anyone else.
When I let go of judging for a moment, and decided to understand instead, I discovered that there was much to be learned about how other people genuinely think and feel in this world.
I decided to develop a curiosity instead in what made other people tick.
Like: what has led that person to think and behave the way they do?
What are their reasons for the choices they make? And then there is that other famous quote by Mother Teresa who said “if you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
And I have found that to be true…judging others keeps your heart closed and letting go of that judgement allows your heart to open.
Everyone has their own story, everyone has their own reasons, everyone has their opinions and that is okay.
Be open to showing compassion for people who think differently from you but keep in mind that compassion is different from pity.
Let me explain the difference.
Pity is defined as a self-serving feeling of superiority aroused by the suffering and misfortune of others.
When you pity someone you may feel obliged to help but it is more out of a feeling of guilt.
What people don’t realize is that pity actually makes the other person feel worse!
No-one wants to be pitied because they find it insulting and belittling.
Compassion, on the other hand, is a feeling that is based in love and comes from a deep awareness and pure, genuine desire to want to help and understand others.
It is distinct from pity because it is driven by a person’s sincere desire to help alleviate another person’s suffering or misfortune.
When you are compassionate, you don’t tell people you feel sorry for them, even if they have suffered from abuse or negativity.
Instead you say: What can I do to help you?
Or in the situation of people having different opinions from you, they might not need your help but you can always ask “what can I do to understand?”
And be open to listening to them without judging in a negative manner.
Remember judging others doesn’t define who they are. It defines who you are and you can always choose to see people with different opinions with love and understanding.
Now before we end this episode I thought I would address the question that comes up often.
What if you aren’t the one negatively judging others and others are judging you instead?
Well the first thing to note is whether you have fallen prey to what feels like a gut instinct response…where you judge them for judging you so everyone is spinning in a cycle of judgement.
The cool thing is there is no need to get angry, no need to be offended, no need to react or lash out or do anything that makes you feel negative.
When this happens, you have so many other options open to you.
You could say: cool, I know you might think this of me, but I am totally happy with my choices.
Inside you can remind yourself other people can think whatever they want to think; what matters most is what you think about yourself.
You need to remember that when someone judges you it actually has nothing to do about you. Instead it is their own insecurities, own beliefs, own baggage, own limitations, own fears that are causing them to think or react in whatever manner they do.
And people are going to judge you all the time, no matter what you do, so do what serves you best and remind yourself that it actually doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Come at this from a place of strength, there is no need to be defensive.
And try not to judge yourself for judging them for judging you either.
Can you see how easily judgement can be layered on?
You feel guilty for being angry at them judging you for whatever you did or said?
These thoughts don’t serve you.
That just eat away at you with negativity. It’s far away to find thoughts that serve you like:
People are allowed to think whatever they think even if I don’t agree.
I like my reasons for doing or saying or thinking whatever I do and I don’t need other people to agree with me or stroke my ego or tell me I’m right in order for me to know I am doing the best thing for me.
I don’t need that validation from others because I give it to myself. I love myself and like and trust my reasons for doing what I do. And if I need to make changes in my life I will do that not because other people tell me to do it but because it serves me best and I want to do it.
My sense of happiness comes within just like I can’t cause other people to feel unhappy or frustrated or angry because their source of unhappiness or frustration or anger comes from within. They are responsible for their feelings not me – just like I am responsible for my own feelings and I don’t need other person to change in order to feel happy within myself.
So those are just some ideas to consider when it comes to feeling judged or judging others.
I want to end this episode with one of my favorite quotes by Bob Marley who said: who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be – but before you start pointing fingers…make sure your hands are clean.
Remember this applies to you just as much as it applies to other people in this world.
Let other people judge you even if you choose not to judge others.
It really doesn’t matter in the end.
You don’t have to care.
You don’t have to make it mean anything about you.
You don’t have to take it personally.
It comes down to making what you think about yourself more important than what other people think about you.
Not caring what other people think so much is honestly the best choice you will ever make as you have your own life to live so do what makes you happy and let others live the way they best see fit.
You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t have to like it.
Be yourself and let others decide the path they want to take in their own life.
So I hope you found this episode to be helpful.
As always thanks so much for being here with me. I love and appreciate you all and can’t wait to catch you in the next episode.
Before You Go…
- Grab your free gift: How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself Guide (4 steps to finally get out of your own way) CLICK HERE
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- Listen to my Inspiring Mom Life podcast on Spotify or via Apple Podcasts.
With a degree in psychology, Frances Vidakovic is a certified life coach, course creator and host of the Inspiring Life Podcast. Her superpower is transforming dreamers into doers with simple, kick-up-the-butt strategies.
