INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 16
RELATIONSHIP TIPS
INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 16 TRANSCRIPT
RELATIONSHIP TIPS
WELCOME TO THIS EPISODE WHICH IS ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS and the things we can proactively do to strengthen the relationships we are in.
Now for the record I have been together with my husband for 22 years and even though we have totally different personalities, for example he’s the laidback realist while I am the eternal optimist we have absolutely made it work because we balance each other out so well.
I thought I would share a few tips I have learned along the way over the last few decades and the best place for me to start is with this:
Your partner is not responsible for your happiness.
I know this may sound crazy for me to say, some might think OF COURSE MY HUSBAND OR PARTNER SHOULD MAKE ME HAPPY but the truth is this: you are responsible for your own happiness.
But here’s the truth: No-one else can MAKE or FORCE you to be happy.
Your feelings of happiness will come from the thoughts you choose to have about your circumstances.
Remember it’s all about how you choose to view your circumstances and relationships.
You could have a partner who comes home with a million roses and his wife is still not happy because she chooses to think: they are the wrong color or he should know by now I like roses better than tulips or what a waste of money.
Depending on your thoughts or mood your husbands could behave in the exact same way and one day you find the behavior to be so cute and romantic and another day the exact same behavior is frustrating and so damn annoying!
For me I personally view a healthy marriage as a loving relationship involving two people who are on a spiritual journey together.
They know they can depend on each other for support.
But they also come together knowing they are responsible for generating their own feelings of happiness and they don’t NEED someone else to change in order to make them happy.
So let me begin with a little story.
Once upon a time I lived in a tiny European village.
In this village the villagers were all frighteningly mature when it came to matters of life.
If I asked them about love they would stare at me with philosophical eyes, as if they were a thousand years old and had seen it all.
In this village they didn’t do delusional thinking, they didn’t do the “wish and hope upon a bright star” sort of thing.
They fell more into the “life is what it is” category.
But rather than feel despondent about this acceptance these individuals came across as feeling free.
They all had simply decided to “be happy with their lot”.
Now for months I thought it was super weird (a village full of happy couples who rarely got divorced). It wasn’t until a friend shared with me his story that it finally started to make sense.
He said to me:
In our village we are understand there’s no such thing as perfection. We know there’s no such thing as a perfect husband, perfect wife or perfect marriage.
While I admit my own parents are happy and content together, that is not to say they are the “perfect” pair.
The truth is there are probably a thousand women on this planet more ideally suited to my father. And if he married any one of these more ideal women he might have lived a much happier life.
ut – and note this is a big BUT – there are at least a million women who would’ve been a worse option for him, who would’ve brought him only sorrow and pain.
It’s a bit like lotto. You can keep searching and playing the game, in hopes of scoring some elusive jackpot or you can be happy when you find someone who feels right.
You shouldn’t risk a good, stable love to search for perfection because perfection doesn’t exist. Remember it’s commitment that precedes happiness and not the other way around.
Back then I was still single but I took this advice to heart because I thought it was a clever analogy which could be applied to all areas in life, especially work.
I had previously watched a few friends float from job to job, always quitting when they found some fatal flaw with their role.
I personally thought it was a commitment issue because honestly not every job could possibly suck that bad (and the lack of a water-view did not count as a fatal flaw in my book).
My own parents had taught me that work, like school, wasn’t always going to be fun.
There were always going to be bad bits but as long as I enjoyed my work most of the time I could afford to ignore a few, minor negatives.
It makes sense that this analogy is applicable to relationships as well.
If you have scored yourself a great guy who loves you and you love him too count yourself lucky.
Don’t throw away a fantastic lotto ticket just because you want to try and score the elusive seven out of seven score.
Chances are that day will never come.
Besides that isn’t what commitment is about.
This brings us to the 5 things I have learned about relationships.
LET’S START WITH NUMBER 1:
1 – WHAT COMMITMENT MEANS
There are lots of different definitions for the term commitment but the one which sums it up the best for me is:
When you are willing to devote your time and energy to something you believe in.
Making a firm promise and decision to do something.
Marriage is by definition is a publicly made commitment to love and stay with someone “till death do us part”.
It is mutually agreed upon relationship and the expectation is that it involves important behaviors such as exclusivity, trust, honesty and respect.
Committed relationships (either short or long term, where a couple is not necessarily married but they have made a decision to be together exclusively) also feature these same core components.
When you are committed to someone you give yourself, in whole, to the other person and the relationship.
You stay faithful and loyal to that other person, are present in times of need, and stick with them through the inevitable rougher waves, no matter what.
Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
To love somebody isn’t just a strong feeling.
It is a decision.
A judgement and a promise you make.
Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you.
2 – Stop expecting things to be perfect
If you followed this one piece of advice only your life would probably automatically be twice as easy.
That’s because it’s one of our biggest pitfalls in life: expecting things to be PERFECT.
I have always been proud to call myself an optimistic while my husband tags himself as a realistic. I used to mock his negativity but now I realize he is the wiser one.
The truth is both the universe and nature have many valuable lessons to teach us if you pay enough attention.
Look at the seasons for example.
We experience winter, spring, summer, then autumn, year in, year out.
It’s a predictable cycle.
So too our relationships go through cycles.
It is your responsibility to accept that your life is what you make it.
If you want to experience conflict every day for the rest of your life, sure, go right ahead but don’t complain about making this choice.
You will need to take ownership of this choice.
You will also need to accept that while you have the potential to create a great future life worth living you can never change the past – it’s done and dusted.
Accept people make mistakes.
No one is perfect – not even you – so you need to stop pretending you might be without flaws.
3 – Don’t confuse your own frustration with a problem in the relationship
When we are frustrated we have a tendency to blame other people for our happiness.
And if you are in a relationship your partner will often bear the brunt of it.
But it is important to stop as soon as you feel this frustration rising.
Ask yourself why you are so upset.
If you are frustrated with work, accept this is the case and don’t take your negative feelings out on your partner.
If you are frustrated that you can’t stick to a diet or health goal, acknowledge this and do your best to address the real problem (which may be lack of discipline or the fact that sticking to diets is difficult for everyone!)
If you are simply in a bad mood, accept this is the case and wait for the bad feelings to pass.
Try not to give too much weight to your frustration or let it negatively impact your relationship as it will simply introduce more chaos into your life.
4 – Say “I’m Sorry” and mean it
I think it’s amazing that one of the things we always drill children to say is sorry when they are in the wrong (sometimes even when they are not in the wrong!).
But as adults those two precious words rarely slip out our lips.
Maybe it’s because with little kids it’s so obvious when their actions are in the wrong – Benny snatched a toy, that’s bad; Jenny kicked her sister, well that’s obviously bad too.
Yet when we get to adulthood both parties are often prepared to go to court to defend their case.
They are pretty confident too that the judge will see the OTHER person is at fault as long as they have ample time to state their case.
Well guess what?
Sometimes it’s easier to say I’m sorry than turn an issue into a World War 3 debate.
So what if you got stuck in traffic?
If you were late getting home and your partner is now upset at you because she has a meeting which she’s now REALLY late for then apologize for your tardiness.
If you picked up the wrong tub of ice-cream (he loves pecan and only vanilla was in stock) just apologiZe that there wasn’t the right flavor at the shops.
Hearing the words “I’m sorry” said SINCERELY is almost as lovely as hearing “I love you”.
In fact I would go as far to say apologizing is another of saying I love you to your partner.
It means “I know you are upset at me and I wish you weren’t.
If I could take it back I would but I can’t so I’m apologizing.
Can we please move on from this now?”
If you are the one who is doing the apologizing I stress your apology must be sincere because otherwise the words are as meaningless as an “I love you” said with the rolling of the eyes or spat out in spite.
If you are the recipient of an apology please accept it graciously because life is not a game show where holding out longer for something else grants you a bigger prize.
A sincere apology IS the biggest prize!
Maybe it won’t come out exactly as you hoped it would (accompanied with a long foot massage) but if it comes from the heart and your partner is learning to speak up when he is wrong it is something special indeed.
5 – There will always be time-wasters and stupid things to fight about
Every day in every person’s life things prop up that you inevitably didn’t plan for….the flat tire on the way to work, no milk in the fridge, the uninvited guest, the persistent telemarketer caller, the pouring rain when you have loads of clothes to dry.
When things don’t go as planned we usually feel irritated and annoyed.
When we are feeling irritated and annoyed we are more prone to having stupid fights.
I differentiate these from normal fights which are usually both valid and constructive.
After a valid fight even if you haven’t resolved the issue (for example receiving extra help with chores from your partner) you at least feel better for getting the issue off your chest.
As for stupid fights well they just make you feel bad.
There is no purpose to them.
They leave a sour taste in your mouth and make you wish you could start the day again.
Be wary of falling into a fight which has no purpose.
It not only makes both parties feel bad, if you have too many of these silly arguments it will also make you question why the two of you are together when the issue is something altogether different.
You have let time-wasters creep into your life and take control, seeping its poison into your relationship.
And we mustn’t let that happen.
6 – LOOK IN THE MIRROR
Are you happy with what you see?
Do you love that person who is staring back at you in the mirror?
Can you see she is always doing the best she can, with the tools and resources she has at any given moment?
Can you see maybe with a bit more guidance she will be ready to take flight and soar to great heights?
This is it. This is your life.
You have been living it for a while.
It’s time to stop day-dreaming and start taking action.
Begin chasing those dreams you have kept locked inside.
Recommit yourself to the person you fell in love with all those years ago.
You can create a great relationship.
In fact you probably ARE in a great relationship but the light switch has been switched off and you just need to flick it back on again.
Get out of the dark and start living again.
Reignite your passion.
You are passionate about something right?
If not find it and do your best to make your relationship the best it can be.
Sometimes you will need to agree to disagree.
Sometimes you will need to negotiate.
Sometimes you will give up the need to be right and choose happiness instead.
Sometimes you will need to show grace and forgiveness.
Healthy relationships are all about a give and take.
It’s about understanding the fine art of negotiation.
By negotiation I mean “any discussion aimed at reaching an agreement.”
Effective negotiation makes both partners feel as though their voice is being heard and that they are equally involved in any decision-making process.
When executed well, both partners walk away feeling their self-esteem has been preserved and that they at least get a bit of what they want.
It’s about “give-and-take”.
It can’t always go one person’s way.
When you negotiate effectively you understand that if a decision isn’t necessarily the solution you were wanted then next time it will hopefully be slanted in your favor.
And that’s what unconditional love is all about.
Just as we usually love our children unconditionally, without imposing a set of conditions, we should do the same for ourselves and our partners.
It doesn’t mean we love everything about our partner or our kids or ourselves.
But it doesn’t mean you don’t need them to be different than they are for you to be happy.
You accept and love them as they are flaws and all.
Ready to take the next step?
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Hey, I’m Frances Vidakovic! I help you live a richer, lighter life while pursuing dreamy goals – without sacrificing your soul, sanity or family life. 🫶🏻 Author. Coach. Course Creator. DON’T DIE UNHAPPY! → Wake up. Do what matters. Savour it all 🌷