INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 15
TOXIC FRIENDS
INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST
EPISODE 15
TRANSCRIPT TOXIC FRIENDS
WELCOME TO THIS EPISODE WHICH IS ALL ABOUT TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS AND HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM
So today we will be discussing toxic friends and as I’m sure we have all discovered during the course of our life, friends come in all shapes and sizes.
Some friends are fantastic.
They lift us up when we are feeling down.
They nurture us when we need nurturing and they offer a listening ear whenever we need someone to talk to or vent with.
Then there is the other unsuspecting breed of friends that creep up on us slowly and eventually entangle us in a web of negativity that leaves us feeling just crap about ourselves and life.
They are our toxic friends.
In case you haven’t guessed it yet, we don’t really need or want those kinds of friends around.
So how can you tell if a friend is toxic for you?
Ask yourself the following questions and please note:
* HINT: Even if you only answer YES to one or two of these questions, your friendship could still potentially be toxic. You should consider it to be a little RED FLAG. *
- Does your friend make you question yourself?
- Do they drain you mentally and emotionally?
- Do they make you feel bad about yourself and your life?
- Do they put you down, belittle, shame, discount, control and criticise you?
- Do you feel the need to edit your words around them?
- Does your energy change from positive to negative when you are in their presence?
- Do they blame you for their problems or expect you to save them?
- Do you get far less from the friendship than you invest into it?
- Do they genuinely care about your feelings?
- Do they drag up your past and refuse to think you can be different?
- Do they comment on your smallest flaws or perceived imperfections?
- Do you feel trapped in a vicious cycle that you can’t escape?
- Is it aways about THEM – what they think, want and feel while you get tossed in as an afterthought?
As Buddha once so wisely said: An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast. A wild beast may wound your body but an evil friend will wound your mind. Buddha
So here are some more tell-tale signs of toxic people:
-They constantly bitch and moan about other friends.
-They gossip about and put other people down.
-Nothing you say or do is ever good enough.
-They always try to one-up your story.
-They aren’t considerate of your needs.
-They always have to be right.
-They treat others badly.
-They play the victim.
-They are self-absorbed.
-They lack compassion.
-They fail to show you respect.
-They take up way too much of your time.
-They try to control you.
-They don’t take “NO” for an answer.
-They constantly have drama going on.
-They lie to you.
-They talk more than they listen.
-Toxic friends think the world revolves around them alone.
-Everyone else comes second (or usually last)
-They think it’s their way or the highway.
-They leave you feeling powerless, vulnerable and emotionally depleted.
-They make you feel guilty and confused.
-They don’t help you; instead they harm your sense of well-being.
If you aren’t entirely sure if your friend falls into this category?
Then keep a close eye on how this person behaves and speaks to you and other people. More importantly HOW DO THEY MAKE YOU FEEL?
We would do ourselves a tremendous favour by letting go of people who poison our spirit. Steve Maraboli
Here’s the deal:
You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships.
In fact, if you absolutely SHOULD terminate any relationships that are negatively impacting your life. You are allowed to walk away from people who have hurt you.
You are allowed to feel angry at them and offended when they are behaving in a totally rude or acceptable way.
You do not owe anyone an explanation for your thoughts and feelings about these toxic friends.
You should make taking care of yourself and preserving your state of well-being a priority in your life.
Life is short.
Some friendships simply run its course and you do not have time to waste on meaningless friendships or unnecessary conversations.
In fact saying goodbye to toxic friendships is a sign of maturity and a part of growing up.
Are you prepared to grow up and let these people go?
Here are some more harsh truths:
You need to avoid people who mess with your head and play with your emotions.
You need to stay away from people who can’t take responsibility for their own actions.
You need to dodge people who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they in fact did something wrong.
There is no room in your life for people who cause you pain or make you feel crap.
You need to avoid people who intentionally do and say things that they know upset you.
You need to let go of people who expect you to prioritize them yet coincidentally never return the favor.
Just because you see someone regularly DOES NOT mean they are your friend.
You may even hang out with them often – they may laugh with you, share their secrets and feelings.
But just because they say they have your back doesn’t mean they won’t stab you in it the moment that you turn around.
Some friends are not sincere.
They pretend well.
But at the end of the day, real situations will expose fake people so pay attention.
Trust your gut feeling – it is usually right.
Your body will usually let you know how comfortable you feel with that other person.
Don’t ignore your bad feelings if you are feeling them!
Fools take a knife and stab people in the back, the wise take a knife, cut the cord and set themselves free from the fools
Over time you will realize that some people really aren’t worth the headache anymore.
When it feels dangerous to disagree with someone, it’s time to question just how healthy the relationship is.
If a friend constantly disregards your feeling, steps over boundaries and treats you bad, then please consider this to be a WARNING SIGN.
If your friend can’t or won’t genuinely apologize for their bad actions I’m sorry but that’s another wildly blinking sign.
People may not always tell you how they feel about you but they will always show you with their actions so pay close attention to this.
When will enough be enough?
Part of reaching emotional adulthood is knowing that we need to take full responsibility for all the choices, thoughts and feelings in your life.
It’s when we stop pointing the finger of blame and understand that we are in charge of our life every moment of our life.
In reality our friends – whether they are the best friends in the world or totally toxic – are not responsible for our feelings.
We create those feelings by the thoughts we choose to have about different circumstances.
And our friends are not responsible for our happiness or lack thereof.
We are responsible for creating that happiness ourselves, without needing to control something outside of ourselves to make us happy.
But we do get to make choices in life.
We do get to pick the road we want to travel down and we get to decide who we want to travel down that path with.
We can retreat from any relationship that we think is no longer healthy for us without any hard feelings.
You can also decide that your friends don’t necessarily seek to intentionally hurt you.
They could be oblivious to your pain.
They could genuinely be none the wiser because that’s their personality and that’s okay.
He or she is being perfectly her, the person she was born to be but I simply choose not to spend time with her anymore.
Moving on from a toxic friendship is actually a sign of strength and it’s nothing to feel guilty or confused about.
I want to advise against you thinking that everything would be perfect if that friend was different, or not so rude or not so condescending or not so nasty.
Guess what?
People don’t need to change in order to make you happy.
They are allowed to be exactly who they want to be in life and if that involves being rude and condescending or dishonest and disrespectful, then so be it!
That’s their choice.
She’s allowed to do whatever she wants and think whatever she likes because we all have free will in this world.
She can do her and you can do you.
The only person you need to work on is yourself because you are responsible for your own happiness.
So how can you start to take responsibility for your own happiness?
What do you need to embrace and what do you need to let go of?
When it comes to friends that you consider to be toxic, I want you to consider that maybe nothing has actually gone wrong in life when this friendship ends.
Maybe this has played out the exact way it was supposed to happen.
Maybe this is just a friendship you have outgrown, that has taught you valuable lessons about life and now it is time to move on.
You get to decide if you value yourself too much to stick around in a toxic relationship.
You get to decide what actions will bring you the most peace and confidence in life.
Another thing to keep in mind is that some people say that you will only ever be as good as the people who you surround yourself with.
So be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down.
Yes it sucks when friendships die but that is the way seasons work in life.
When one thing dies another things soon grows in its place.
When you realise that you are constantly treating a person with more respect, love and encouragement than they are treating you, you are free to make a change.
If you choose not to make a change, and you know deep down this friendship is eroding your confidence, just be mindful of the fact that you run the risk of hurting both your physical and emotional health.
Stress is a killer remember.
But remember: real friends are like gold
NOT EVERYONE IS MEANT TO STAY.
JUST THE SAME – NOT EVERYONE YOU LOSE IS A LOSS.
Anyone can show up when you’re happy. But the ones who stay by your side when your heart falls apart, they are your true friends. Brigitte Nicole
For the record cutting people out of your life doesn’t mean you hate them.
You can love them still but maybe you love and respect yourself more.
Letting go of toxic people is a major step towards being happier and reclaiming some inner peace.
Remember you can’t improve your life if you are surrounded by negative energy that only brings you down.
Just a word of warning: sometimes removing toxic people from your life is actually not the difficult part.
Not feeling guilty about it is.
But guess what?
You will get over the guilt eventually.
Why?
Because one day it will hit you:
Some people better your life by being in it. Others better your life by staying out of it.
Keep the people who love and motivate you, who encourage and enhance you and want the best for you in your life.
If a person does none of these you need to let them go.
Notice the people who are happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness.
They are ones who deserve a special place in your life.
My rule of thumb is simple.
Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy – Robert Tew
Spend it with friends who make you laugh and feel loved.
I promise you, I understand how hard it is to detach yourself from people you have close ties with but sometimes it’s NECESSARY in order to maintain or restore your sanity and inner peace.
I REPEAT – LET THE CRAPPY FRIENDS GO!
You don’t get a gold medal for maintaining a toxic friendship?
Seriously, there is no true benefit to “sticking out any form of toxic friendship” over an extended period of time.
Have no fear, you will finally FEEL FREE when you break up and leave the toxic wasteland behind. Only problem is you will regret not cutting the ties sooner.
In a healthy relationship friends will encourage you to grow and succeed.
A true friend accepts who you are but also helps you to become who you should be.
These are the sorts of friends we want in our life!
You wouldn’t encourage your kids or partner to keep toxic friends in their life, so why do you?
It’s honestly time to make some changes TODAY if you have a toxic friend in your life.
You owe it to yourself to do so.
Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life and said “I’m here for you” and proved it. Unknown
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Hey, I’m Frances Vidakovic! I help you live a richer, lighter life while pursuing dreamy goals – without sacrificing your soul, sanity or family life. 🫶🏻 Author. Coach. Course Creator. DON’T DIE UNHAPPY! → Wake up. Do what matters. Savour it all 🌷