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INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST

EPISODE  55 – DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

 

dream big my friend podcast

 

 

 

INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL PODCAST

EPISODE 55 TRANSCRIPT

 

WELCOME TO THIS EPISODE WHICH IS ALL ABOUT DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

Welcome to this episode which is all about dysfunctional families, how to cope with one if you think your family falls into this category and how they are way more normal than you think.

 

So, let’s talk about dysfunctional families…

 

It’s traditionally the sort of thing we only talk about whispers because we all feel like our family is slightly (or very) weird and crazy.

Sometimes it’s hard to put up your hand and say “hey, yep, I totally fall into this category!”

I definitely wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing that when I was young but over time, I have discovered that dysfunctional families are more common than the Brady Bunch variety.

Imagine how much easier would life have been if we only knew that we weren’t alone!

 

So, let’s start by trying to define the term dysfunctional families.

 

According to Wikipedia, a dysfunctional family is characterised by  conflict, misbehaviour, neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents.

I have to be honest and say that sounds a little vague to me – given that conflict and misbehavior is pretty common in families in general.

But I think  you know deep down when your family dynamics have crossed over from normal to dysfunctional.

 

More specific characteristics that are common to dysfunctional families include:

 

  • Conditional love
  • Poor communication
  • No space to express your thoughts and feelings freely
  • Little empathy
  • Lack of boundaries
  • Constant comparisons
  • Addiction and/or mental issues
  • Controlling behavior
  • Excessive criticism
  • Unpredictability
  • Violence and abuse
  • A lack of privacy or independence
  • Fear and lack of safety
  • Inability to thrive
  • Unrealistic expectations

 

To be honest these are just a few of the characteristics that might appear in dysfunctional families and there’s no real perfect picture of what a dysfunctional family looks like. They can be rich or poor, living in mansions or huts, going to private schools or public schools, be young or old etc. 

 

Needless to say there are various degrees of dysfunctionality in families.

 

Dysfunctional families can include anything from domestic violence, mental illness, unemployment, drug and alcohol, sexual, verbal or physical abuse to different forms of unhealthy toxicity (including mind-games, manipulation and favouritism) that wreaks havoc on relationships within the family.

The good news is that if you grew up in a dysfunctional family * you are not necessarily destined to recreate the same mistakes with your own children and partner. *

 

A dysfunctional family is NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.

 

You can learn new and improved ways to parent.

You can make peace with your past.

You can still love deeply and nurture healthier relationships in the future, if you are motivated enough to do so.

The cool thing I discovered as I was growing up was that TV shows stepped away from appearing picture perfect like The Brady Bunch and sort of gave us a glimpse into the craziness that sometimes exist in families. 

I personally grew up with The Brady Bunch and I was like “my parents are nothing like Carol and Mike Brady!” 

But then Married with Children entered the scene and Everyone Loves Raymond and Roseanne and The Osbournes and we were all like “oooh that looks more familiar!

In fact for a long time I thought my extended family with all its loudness and drama was extremely dysfunctional until I went back to the island village where my parents were born and over there all the houses are pretty much stuck together with no fences to separate one from the other and that was when I discovered that everyone squabbles sometimes.

I don’t want to downplay anyone who has experienced significant abuse in their childhood. This is not what this podcast is addressing but I do still want to give you some hope so that you know that your past does not define you.

 

It’s helpful to know that some of these dysfunctional behaviors have been passed down and repeated throughout the different generations.

 

The difference is now you are aware that this behavior isn’t appropriate and you can make changes and take action to do something different. 

But there’s a chance your parents didn’t have that awareness.

They may have experienced that behaviour when they were young so they did it themselves, thinking it was normal, and their parents learned the same behavior from their own parents etc so the behaviour was repeated. 

 

Now this isn’t to excuse any bad behavior – absolutely not – it doesn’t make it okay.

 

But it is helpful to recognise that some negative behaviors may have been learned and possibly to show some compassion.

Awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle.

Once you know better you can do better. 

 

So how does one cope with and survive having a dysfunctional family?

Here are 10 tips:

 

1 – Know you are not alone.

 

Dysfunctional families are just as common (if not more so) than functional families.

There’s like this running joke that dysfunctional families are any family with more than one person in it.

No matter what you have gone through, chances are someone else in this world has experienced the same.

This includes the really crappy stuff like abuse and violence.

You are definitely not alone.

 

2 – Practice self care.

 

You still need to take care of yourself – emotionally, physically and mentally – especially if the other important people in your life tend to drain you.

Of course the fact that they drain you is just a thought but even still, you know when you need more loving.

You know when you need to step away and have a break.

You know when you need to rest or read a book or go to see a movie.

Not because you are avoiding anything but because you need some ME or alone time.

 

3 – Keep your expectations about your family realistic.

 

At some point you need to accept that you will never, ever be part of The Brady Bunch.

This is where a lot of our pain comes from – thinking thoughts that our family should be different.

We think if they just behaved more like so-and-so, everything would be fine.

But we didn’t get so-and-so for our mom and dad.

 

We got who we got and when we expect them to be different we sort of set ourselves for disappointment.

 

I’m sure my kids sometimes do it now with me and I know I did it with my own parents growing up.

I expected them to be different because I thought different would be better.

Even when we get older and we mature, many of us still sometimes expect our parents to be different…to be more like so and so.

I was suddenly annoyed with my mom.

I hadn’t seen or spoken to her that day and all of the sudden my new thoughts negatively impacted my relationship with her.

 

When I say “be realistic” I am actually referring to a psychological term for realistic thinking.

 

This is when you identify that you have some negative thoughts and you work to replace them with more realistic, balanced thinking that is a fair appraisal of the situation. 

It means you see things as they truly are – both the positive and negative, without judgement.

So realistic expectations about a family include: you will disagree at times, your parents and siblings may have different opinions, beliefs and opinions from you, sometimes people will say things they don’t mean etc.

 

4 – Seek therapy if you feel like you would benefit from it.

 

If you think you may be carrying issues from your earlier life forward into your current relationships please see a therapist.

It is absolutely fine to seek help when you need it (in fact, it’s a sign of great strength when we seek to heal and accept the past – in whichever way we need to do it.)

 

5 – Set boundaries or minimise contact with toxic family

 

It’s a simple equation: if family members insist on treating you bad, belittling you, eroding your self-esteem and making you feel generally like TOTAL CRAP, you may simply need to minimize your contact with them.

That doesn’t need you to cut them out of your life totally (unless you know deep in your heart that they are BEYOND TOXIC and it’s the only solution). 

Instead keep your visits short rather than long and more infrequent rather than weekly. You can even opt to make a quick call to say hi rather than taking a whole day out for an encounter that will only leave you feeling drained and upset.

 

Do what is best for you!

You are a grownup now. You get to decide!

 

I in fact encourage you to set boundaries with anyone that causes you grief or makes you feel bad about your life.

Now I know I speak a lot about how your thoughts ultimately impact your feelings and actions so no one can MAKE you feel a particular way, your thoughts about that person impact your feelings.

 

But I also understand that there are situations when the NEUTRAL CIRCUMSTANCE can be considered to be more challenging to some people.

 

For example if I hang out with friends or family that are encouraging and supportive, it’s so much easier to want to spend more time with them as opposed to spending time with people who say words to you that you deem to be critical or unsupportive etc.

I recommend doing what works best for you.

You get to decide what those boundaries are and it doesn’t matter if another member of your family has a different idea of what boundaries are appropriate.

You get to decide what works for you.

 

Brene Brown defines boundaries as simply our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay for us.

 

If you don’t like someone speaking to you in a rude manner, you can walk away even if another family member isn’t bothered by it.

If you don’t like people drinking excessive amounts of alcohol around your kids, you can choose to say no.

You get to decide what makes you feel comfortable and not comfortable.

 You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce. T. Gaskins

 

6 – Allow yourself to feel hurt/angry/rejected/sad

 

It’s much healthier to release these emotions rather than burying these feelings and keeping them forever bottled in.

Cry it out, write a letter expressing your feelings (even if you never send it) and accept that, however crappy it was, this was your experience.

 

It is what it is and you can’t change the past.

Things that you set free will liberate you.

Things that you keep locked in will destroy you.

 

But at some point, you will need to stop dwelling in these negative emotions.

You are an adult now and you have a choice to make: future happiness or misery?

 

7 – Be honest

 

You aren’t a little kid anymore.

You can be honest and respectfully call out bad behaviour when you see it happening.

Don’t continue to watch it happen and say nothing. You can say HEY I DIDN’T LIKE THAT.

 

8 – Let it go

 

At some point you need to ACCEPT THE PAST and start looking forward.

Where are you now?

Where do you want to go?

And how can we get you there?

 

9 – Surround yourself with people who make you feel great

 

The truth is even though you didn’t get to pick your family as a kid, YOU DO GET TO PICK your social circle as an adult. Surround yourself with friends who nurture you, love you and lift you higher in life.

 

10 – Don’t repeat the same mistakes

 

If something made you feel like crap as a kid or adult, why would you carry the same behavior into the new family you create?

Why would you consciously allow your kids to suffer in the same way?

Refuse to inherit dysfunction.

It can stop right here and right now.

 

Just because your family may have been dysfunctional doesn’t mean you are destined for a dysfunctional life yourself.

 

Make a promise to yourself to behave in a healthier and happier way with your own partner, children and friends from this point forward.

The pain stops here.

In the end you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you CHOOSE to be around.

You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members.

You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. 

 

Only goal as a mother: raise children that don’t have to recover from their childhood.

 

Family isn’t always blood.

It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are.

The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what. 

 

Before I end this discussion, I do want to say that you can choose to think whatever you want about your family.

 

 

Like you can just decide they have been the biggest gift to you NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH IN YOUR PAST. 

Remember the thought model where your thoughts impact your feelings which impact your actions and results. Well the cool thing about it is you can actually work it backwards.

 

So, if you want to achieve any result in life, you can ask yourself:

 

1 – what action do you need to take to get to that result?

 

2 – what feeling do you need to feel to take that action?

 

3 – and finally what thought do you need to think to feel that feeling?

 

Working backwards you can work out the thoughts you need to think to get to the results you want in life.

 

So how this applies to this conversation about dysfunctional families is in this way:

How do you want to feel about your family now?

After all is said and done, HOW DO YOU REALLY WANT TO FEEL?

Do you want to walk around angry and bitter and resentful for the rest of your life?

Do you want to hate them?

Do you want to forgive them?

How do you want to feel?

 

For me I want to feel like my childhood and family has made me stronger and more compassionate in life.

 

I want to love my family and appreciate everyone for their individuality and quirks even though we are all far from perfect. 

So, for me I have chosen to think “my struggles have made me stronger” and “my family is the best learning experience for me”.

It’s like I have graduated with a Harvard degree in family relationships with all the lessons and lectures and hands-on practice and tutorials I have had over the years.

I like these thoughts because they require me not to pass judgement onto others, they also don’t require my parents to be any different or perfect, because they definitely weren’t perfect and neither am I. 

But when I think these thoughts then I feel blessed and appreciative about even the challenges I have had in life. 

These thoughts support me on my journey and they serve me well as they allow me to show up in a more understanding way. 

You also have this option too.

Rather than calling my family dysfunctional which is what I used to say when I was back at uni and they loved to stick labels on everything back then, I just say we are quirky and we do things our own way.

We all still love each other even though everyone has their own different way of showing it.

So I hope this has been helpful to you.

As always, I love and appreciate you all so thanks so much for listening. I can’t wait to catch you in the next episode.

 

 

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